Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Vampires, Zombies and...Pong?

Once again like usual there is an abundance of horror movies out there that is buying for boyfriends to take their pathetically screaming little girlfriends out to in vain hopes of "getting some" in the theatre.

This has come into the minds of my sister and I to do something about this. We have come up with some things to tell if a vampire disiple has come into your mists or how to escape a zombie. But let's put some history into this with what I can remember and spit out of my mind. I give warnings I don't think all of this information is correct and therefore it is heresay, but it makes for a good blog.

Vampires are part of the myths of the "white" man. Blood suckers of the night. Bad things are at night. Warewolves are at night but that is a different animal, but it may have originated from the same source. There is some disease/DNA mutation out there that makes people lose their front teeth and (some) grow excess hair, in addition to this they become extremely allergic to the sun. People of the past being simple minded folk, (yes even my ancestors were idiots. If I can admit it so can you!) out cast these people and in time and with rumour they became the dreaded of beasts and such. However with the amount of these tales it is hard to ignore that there is a chance that the tales are true. These where the tried and true ways (according to myth) that one can find a vampire.
*Garlic: Has sapposably holy spiritual cleansing powers that the spawnsof hell cannot overtake and therefore fall over dead. Often the head was stuffed after beheading, so that the vampire cannot reserect themselves. Also there was talk after beheading on pulling out the fangs...Nice necklace eh?
*Crosses: Ahhh the holy cross. Doesn't the pictures of Dracula have a cross on his suit? Another way religion gets thrown into vampire hunting...Skip.
*Wooden Stakes: Sybols the holy cross in which the savoir died for the sins of others. Sapposably there is new scriptures found that Judas wasn't the bad guy who turned Jesus in for 31 gold coins. But in those times who would question turning anyone in for 31 gold coins. That would pay for a lot of bread, or a good camel. Anyways the stake is plunged into the vampires heart and if they don't poof into ashes or dust they are beheaded, mouth stuffed with garlic, body split and bathed in holy water and either buried apart or burned. That sounds like a lot of work.
*Holy water: Another purification thing, but really isn't it water?
*Running water: A vampire cannot cross bridges. It's a devil thing...He can't cross bridges either.
*Sunlight: A vampire is a creature of the dead. The dead cannot walk under the light. Or so they say, they also say that once a vampire is old/powerful enough that they can walk under the sun...Damnit, that is why the tests stated later.
*Shrunken heads: Probably wouldn't work but meh shrunken heads. I'm not sure what they are used for...Perhaps lunches for child zombies who can't eat the full brain? (See the blue section)

The tests for vampires:
1. Grab your test group and throw them outside in the sunlight. Boom there is the weak/young vampires gone, as well as a few mega goths.
2. Walk the test group over a bridge any who don't cross are vampires, or are afraid of bridges. Behead and stuff them with garlic and burn them anyways. There is no need for mistakes in the world filled with vampires who want to make me one of them...No matter how many times I ask, or beg. Maybe it's because of blogs like this one.
3. Finally invite them into the guest section of "The Urban Peasent" Who cooked with a lot of garlic and black pepper. If anyone passes out bring out the wood. XD
4. Celebrate with whoever is left and go out to a italian resturant if everyone passes on the garlic bread...Die.

Which brings me onto Zombies. The living dead. A thirsty morsal hungering for the brains of others. Once bitten by a zombie you turn into a zombie. If night of the living dead has taught us anything it is good to get good at sniper games. It seems like the only things are effective is fire and guns. Blow off their heads and they are useless. But they seem to get easily amused so I figure that the easiest way to get away to get your guns or lighter is not to run away screaming. Most of the zombies probably run faster than our McDonalds and TV loving asses will. Even though they are rotting and have a bad limp. Don't you ever notice that zombies no matter how long they were zombies ALWAYS have a limp? So place them infront of something that is braindead anyways. PONG... If they beat you there isn't probably much there to eat anyways.

Ahhh Pong, the start of all evils. The beginner of the videogame era. Without pong to start it all off we never would've experienced battlestar galatica, intellevision, kilekovision, nintendo, with final fantasy and mario brothers, playstation, dreamcast, and the evil and overpowering X-Box (damn them for keeping fable to themselves). Without the multichannel, game playing influence we as a population wouldn't be becoming humongous overweight freaks of nature. I LOVE PONG.
I've been trying to get my old pong machine to work, to save me from zombies, but also to show my sister who has to concept of a 2bit game, and how pong could possibly be hard competition between two players. I bought her a atari collection for PS2 and she plas some of the most dumbest games for even dumber reasons. There is a chicken crossing the road one and she plays it to squish chickens *blink*

No comments: