Friday, October 10, 2014

Always a surprise...

...When you don't expect something to be there, but there it is.  Yes it is SPAM.  Spam has somehow been on my blog for a long time and I somehow didn't notice.  There was over 300 posts of spam on this one blog alone.  I'm afraid of looking at the other one. 

Well news time.  The store is doing well.  I am doing better.  Still seeing Cam for occasional adjustments but that is only once in a while not all the time.  I cannot say that I will ever be back to what I call normal but at this time this is the best that can be done.
Everyone is doing better in their lives than I am at this point.  Some try to be supportive in saying that the accident had set me back and I will get back going.  However every time I look back I see every mistake and go it would've been better for everything and everyone if I hadn't made any of those choices.  Even the choices I still make are seemingly being the wrong ones.  I haven't been able to think clearly about what the future holds for so long that the future has become a black hole, that I stumble into without any real road.  I'm getting frustrated and have to perpetually try to look positive.  It's tiring proving myself over and over to people that don't care, don't listen or don't matter.   To cap it all off, my energy levels are at an almost all time low.  Last time it was like this I holed myself in my room for almost two weeks straight, only coming out to eat, washroom duties and go to work.  While at work I kept on thinking of going back into my room and closing off the world.  Instead now it is the store is my room.  A grand improvement but I am starting to worry about myself.  I rather stay here than to think about going somewhere with someone I know.  Plans in the far future seem safe, but as the dates come close I begin to panic about them.

I know that I'm shutting down mentally.  Here is at least a good place to admit it.  I know no one reads these things anymore and it's almost a confessional.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Blogger you confuse me!

Okay I know that I have been away for a long while, and my format is the same over the many years that I have been blogging but I am perplexed on why a simple system like blogger felt it necessary to change the format so drastically.  The settings, the labeling, the schedules, off of which I personally do not need.  What would be the most common label?  I'm depressed and I wrote something.  The next: Rant.  Basically all throughout the whole of the time I have written it is about those 2 things.  There is no dancing in the raindrops, no sharing of recipes, no sharing links to the betterment of humanity.  There is the compulsive nature to write something down so that people who stumble upon this MAY care to find out who I really am.  Not the strong, reliable, stable person that I waltz out into public with, but a fragile person trying to get through the days one day at a time, just like everybody else.

But then blogger has to change things and mess up my groove.

And I can't kick it out of my castle on height and have it say sorry as it falls into the abyss.

Because I need it.

Unfortunately this is kind of the low cost therapy session of my mind.  I can type and ramble about whatever topic is in my mind at that exact second and pray that my fingers are quick enough to keep up with... ohh moth.... .... .... .... ... ... ... ... You know what I mean.  Even if you, the reader do not that is fine in itself.  I'm expecting most to have tripped over this by accident and wondered if I am lazy, crazy, or just suicidal.  Probably all three to be truthful.  In a way most humans are.  We are a social beast but the ways of the current world dictates for us to be alone.  I used to think I would like to be alone, stay alone, but over the years that had changed and in my opinion, not for the better.

Thursday, January 02, 2014

Personality Test Disorder Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 66%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66%
Antisocial |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Narcissistic |||||||||| 38%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Dependent |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by

A friend of my sister took this test and found it fairly accurate for himself.  I walked into it with only mild expectations.  I don't like the personality tests in truth.  It seems like they can ask a few questions and place you in society in a group.  Meanwhile I have been trying to get myself away from thinking that other people could possibly be as messed up as I am.  I don't want to think that there could be a possibility of someone who is not as strong emotionally or physically that may have to put up with the same thoughts, emotions and such as I place upon myself.

Hopefully the internet's numbers are an indication that this is not the case and for that I'm pleased.