Friday, October 10, 2014

Always a surprise...

...When you don't expect something to be there, but there it is.  Yes it is SPAM.  Spam has somehow been on my blog for a long time and I somehow didn't notice.  There was over 300 posts of spam on this one blog alone.  I'm afraid of looking at the other one. 

Well news time.  The store is doing well.  I am doing better.  Still seeing Cam for occasional adjustments but that is only once in a while not all the time.  I cannot say that I will ever be back to what I call normal but at this time this is the best that can be done.
Everyone is doing better in their lives than I am at this point.  Some try to be supportive in saying that the accident had set me back and I will get back going.  However every time I look back I see every mistake and go it would've been better for everything and everyone if I hadn't made any of those choices.  Even the choices I still make are seemingly being the wrong ones.  I haven't been able to think clearly about what the future holds for so long that the future has become a black hole, that I stumble into without any real road.  I'm getting frustrated and have to perpetually try to look positive.  It's tiring proving myself over and over to people that don't care, don't listen or don't matter.   To cap it all off, my energy levels are at an almost all time low.  Last time it was like this I holed myself in my room for almost two weeks straight, only coming out to eat, washroom duties and go to work.  While at work I kept on thinking of going back into my room and closing off the world.  Instead now it is the store is my room.  A grand improvement but I am starting to worry about myself.  I rather stay here than to think about going somewhere with someone I know.  Plans in the far future seem safe, but as the dates come close I begin to panic about them.

I know that I'm shutting down mentally.  Here is at least a good place to admit it.  I know no one reads these things anymore and it's almost a confessional.