Monday, September 10, 2012


Words are dangerous things...They have the power to create and the power to destroy.  They tell truths unimaginable and lies of the probable.  They can lift a spirit or tear off its wings and send it crashing down to the ground. 
People rely on me so heavily as a pillor of strength and hope but in truth I am nothing but a liar, a coward and a cheat.  I make claims that I cannot back up.  I run away from fights that I cannot win at.  I cheat hope in the face of those who believe in me. 
I cannot take the pressure of those who want more out of me.  I want to scream off some mountaintop at the top of my lungs and then die in the bottom of some forsaken hole.  Everything that I say seems to be an eforcement of a lie or trickery that has been spun in the past.  What am I?  Am I truely the person that I have woven to be in front of others?  I doubt it for I am a different person when I am alone, when there is no eyes upon me and I am free to do and say what I feel.  Right now all words have a grittiness to it, as if I am chewing on sand.  Yet I speak what others want to hear.
Someone asks if I'm OK, I say of course.
Someone says that the future is going to be ok, I say it sure is!
Someone says that they love me, I say I love them back.
Ususally I fall into a depressive state and this is nothing new, but this time I'm turning physically ill.  Everytime I open my mouth something else sneaks out that I'm not sure if its truth or another manufactured lie, whose main intent is to lead someone away from the truth and into another false path.  Should I be damned for telling such?  I think I already have.  I'm not sure why I am writing this but I am sure that no one shall read this and respond to it.  The people who once loved blogger as a communication source is no longer using it as such.  If there is still someone who reads this and reaches out do I want it?  Perhaps deep down I do, but on the surface I do not.  For on the surface I smile and so what others wish me to do.