Always a surprise...

...When you don't expect something to be there, but there it is.  Yes it is SPAM.  Spam has somehow been on my blog for a long time and I somehow didn't notice.  There was over 300 posts of spam on this one blog alone.  I'm afraid of looking at the other one. 

Well news time.  The store is doing well.  I am doing better.  Still seeing Cam for occasional adjustments but that is only once in a while not all the time.  I cannot say that I will ever be back to what I call normal but at this time this is the best that can be done.
Everyone is doing better in their lives than I am at this point.  Some try to be supportive in saying that the accident had set me back and I will get back going.  However every time I look back I see every mistake and go it would've been better for everything and everyone if I hadn't made any of those choices.  Even the choices I still make are seemingly being the wrong ones.  I haven't been able to think clearly about what the future holds for so long that the future has become a black hole, that I stumble into without any real road.  I'm getting frustrated and have to perpetually try to look positive.  It's tiring proving myself over and over to people that don't care, don't listen or don't matter.   To cap it all off, my energy levels are at an almost all time low.  Last time it was like this I holed myself in my room for almost two weeks straight, only coming out to eat, washroom duties and go to work.  While at work I kept on thinking of going back into my room and closing off the world.  Instead now it is the store is my room.  A grand improvement but I am starting to worry about myself.  I rather stay here than to think about going somewhere with someone I know.  Plans in the far future seem safe, but as the dates come close I begin to panic about them.

I know that I'm shutting down mentally.  Here is at least a good place to admit it.  I know no one reads these things anymore and it's almost a confessional.

Blogger you confuse me!

Okay I know that I have been away for a long while, and my format is the same over the many years that I have been blogging but I am perplexed on why a simple system like blogger felt it necessary to change the format so drastically.  The settings, the labeling, the schedules, off of which I personally do not need.  What would be the most common label?  I'm depressed and I wrote something.  The next: Rant.  Basically all throughout the whole of the time I have written it is about those 2 things.  There is no dancing in the raindrops, no sharing of recipes, no sharing links to the betterment of humanity.  There is the compulsive nature to write something down so that people who stumble upon this MAY care to find out who I really am.  Not the strong, reliable, stable person that I waltz out into public with, but a fragile person trying to get through the days one day at a time, just like everybody else.

But then blogger has to change things and mess up my groove.

And I can't kick it out of my castle on height and have it say sorry as it falls into the abyss.

Because I need it.

Unfortunately this is kind of the low cost therapy session of my mind.  I can type and ramble about whatever topic is in my mind at that exact second and pray that my fingers are quick enough to keep up with... ohh moth.... .... .... .... ... ... ... ... You know what I mean.  Even if you, the reader do not that is fine in itself.  I'm expecting most to have tripped over this by accident and wondered if I am lazy, crazy, or just suicidal.  Probably all three to be truthful.  In a way most humans are.  We are a social beast but the ways of the current world dictates for us to be alone.  I used to think I would like to be alone, stay alone, but over the years that had changed and in my opinion, not for the better.

Personality Test Disorder Test Results

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 66% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% Antisocial |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 74% Narcissistic |||||||||| 38% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Dependent |||||||||||||||||| 74% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||| 74%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

A friend of my sister took this test and found it fairly accurate for himself.  I walked into it with only mild expectations.  I don't like the personality tests in truth.  It seems like they can ask a few questions and place you in society in a group.  Meanwhile I have been trying to get myself away from thinking that other people could possibly be as messed up as I am.  I don't want to think that there could be a possibility of someone who is not as strong emotionally or physically that may have to put up with the same thoughts, emotions and such as I place upon myself.

Hopefully the internet's numbers are an indication that this is not the case and for that I'm pleased.

I'm Alive...Well kinda...A post about writing.

Well it has been over a year, and the postmaster has come back from the wherever I had pulled myself into over the last what 15 months?
Yeah, its not that large of a post for I have not really much to say.  Writing for my own personal life has become difficult over the last few years and today it isn't much better.  I rather enjoy writing to escape, for life has indeed become something that is unenjoyable.  While living in the bodies of my characters, I make life unpleasant for them that gives me momentary pleasure, I find that I've been delving more and more into the fantasy and retreating from the everyday.  This happened many times in my life, for I've always been the social outcast, easy to hate upon, with wide enough shoulders to take the hate and move forwards.
Meanwhile I have been trying to hold back from writing out of sheer desperation to get something out of my mind.  NaNoWriMo had gotten something out of my mind but I have another scene that I wish to write but like a kid at Christmas I have to wait until the time comes that I can write the meat of the story that leads up to the specific scene.  Then in the end I rush through the meat of the story and is forced to go back and flesh it out even more than I did originally.  I am unsure if other writers face this problem, but since my characters are more real to me than the "real" world, I worry about if I got them correct or if I got the feelings of them right.  It is similar to describing your parents when they are out of the room.  You know what they look like and can pick them out of a crowded room, but can you describe them enough to have another pick them out?  Enough to visualize them?  That is a task for writer to accomplish.
But for now I must wait.
And for now I will sign off again, this time with no promises of being back.

Words...

Words are dangerous things...They have the power to create and the power to destroy.  They tell truths unimaginable and lies of the probable.  They can lift a spirit or tear off its wings and send it crashing down to the ground. 
People rely on me so heavily as a pillor of strength and hope but in truth I am nothing but a liar, a coward and a cheat.  I make claims that I cannot back up.  I run away from fights that I cannot win at.  I cheat hope in the face of those who believe in me. 
I cannot take the pressure of those who want more out of me.  I want to scream off some mountaintop at the top of my lungs and then die in the bottom of some forsaken hole.  Everything that I say seems to be an eforcement of a lie or trickery that has been spun in the past.  What am I?  Am I truely the person that I have woven to be in front of others?  I doubt it for I am a different person when I am alone, when there is no eyes upon me and I am free to do and say what I feel.  Right now all words have a grittiness to it, as if I am chewing on sand.  Yet I speak what others want to hear.
Someone asks if I'm OK, I say of course.
Someone says that the future is going to be ok, I say it sure is!
Someone says that they love me, I say I love them back.
Ususally I fall into a depressive state and this is nothing new, but this time I'm turning physically ill.  Everytime I open my mouth something else sneaks out that I'm not sure if its truth or another manufactured lie, whose main intent is to lead someone away from the truth and into another false path.  Should I be damned for telling such?  I think I already have.  I'm not sure why I am writing this but I am sure that no one shall read this and respond to it.  The people who once loved blogger as a communication source is no longer using it as such.  If there is still someone who reads this and reaches out do I want it?  Perhaps deep down I do, but on the surface I do not.  For on the surface I smile and so what others wish me to do.

So angry that I could kick a puppy

I mean a really fluffy puppy.  One that sweeks when you come near and chases it tail and has huge watery eyes.  Yeah that one.

Now a lot of times when I come on and write a blog I sound angry, but most of the time this anger stems up from a deep resent for humanity.  Since the people who read this blog is part of this group of individuals this could be caused by you.  However this is only because there is a few people who really get me angry.  1. People who lie to my face. 2. People who owe me money. 3. People who treat others like shit for helping them. 4. People who question my integrity.  There is a bunch more but these are the few things that get me fairly angry, almost to the stage of mad-like angry.  I don't show this often, for my anger really scares people so most of the time I'm gruff and moody, which in most people's worlds mean I'm angry.  Not so.

Either way discussing the terms on an equal scale usually anger takes up too much of my time and energy and being of one that energy and time is a few things I lack, take great offence when they are wasted.

OK background placement is laid out on my personality for those who may or may not know me very well.

When it comes to matters of money and business break-ups are often the worst, generally because both parties are consumed with greed and want more than was dictated.  Often if both sides are happy then one side doesn't know the whole truth.  If one side is happy and the other is not then there is some money swindling going on.  If both sides are unhappy then the deal is fair.

I'm often one that tries to be fair and asks how things should be handled for I usually calculate three different ways of how one could look at how much could be divided up in any transaction.  I'm the one who looks at a bill and can calculate everyone's share and take the larger portion for myself to pay.  I can't count how many times I have shafted myself so that others could take a break.  So whenever someone questions my integrity for whatever reason it really offends me.  But I don't think I'm the only one that is like this that thinks that there is a bit of bias out there.  There is more than enough people who are trying to steal the bigger piece of the pie so that whenever you have pie people are taking out their micrometers to divy it up.  Forgetting that there is some pie that is crushed by the knife as it cuts into it.

Anyways the anger is faded somewhat and I now get to look towards the still dimly lit future.  Especially since my health is still in the garbage and there is no viable employment on the horizon.  Boo.

Blogger I still hate you but...

I am still getting used to the new style that blogger has and in that I am still hating it.  But in some ways it makes me feel as though another step has been taken away from the mainstream and in that fashion it has taken away all that I have to worry about people reading this and tying it to my true life.  That is everyone who now reads this blog has seen some part of me that I do not show those who know me well.  Those who know me well do not read further into my life than they feel comfortable and in some ways scares them.  This I know.  I miss those who I could be myself around at all times something fierce, but there are times I wish I could follow them but I must turn away and plod along on the path that I am now forced to follow.

Sorry for being confusing.  Sometimes confusion brings sanity in the mists of chaos.

Either way I have those who I have made up to keep me company.
As for that, I worry about the plots that the sisters are planning.  Ferniand has been eerily quiet, giving no word on the tasks that she has in the works from about 400AD to 1930AD.  Alarice had gone into hiding after her encounter with Maure and taking back Cecillia.  Maure has been the only one that has been feeding me any information that continues the story.  Meanwhile John has been ironing out some of the minor details that has caused his arc to collaspe.  Freak I know more what's going on in an imaginary world than my own.

About that I am completely broken away from the modern world!  No tele makes me so disjointed with what's going on that I don't even know that it's smoky outside, because it's not smoky here at home.  But in town it is sapposably bad.  I didn't know that a stage collasped and killed two people in TO until a radio told me over three weeks later.  Damned broadcasting companies declairing that we need to be digital, now I have no TV and my internet still sucks major dung!

Now I am entering another Animethon and this year I have time for a costume but all that I wish to dress up as had some sort of malfunction that makes it difficult.  Oh well I might drop back and dress up in one of my other costumes.

Why must things change?

OK I know I haven't been blogging as much as I would like or as much as I should.  Sorry Real Life is still being a hair up my nose and I appologize.  Either way I doubt that this message will meet with those who I personally know and would respond back anyways, but I still say sorry.

First off, why did blogger change?  It looks stupid now for publishing.  Go away for a bit and they change things on me.

Second thing that has changed and I am starting to really miss now is Shonen Jump.  In April they concluded their monthly magazine in order to present everything online.  Fine and dandy but you pay to read it online and it expires, therefore it doesn't stick around forever.  Secondly, if I wanted to read manga online I would've forgone BUYING Shonen Jump and all the other hard copy magazines that proudly line my bookshelves and went to mangafox or any other fan converted manga site and got them for free.  I'm tired of comic book companies believing that if they force the online issue that everyone will bleet and go like little sheep over to the internet.  There is still perople who love the smell and feel of paper, the freedom of being without a screen.  But I guess I'm now too old fashioned for everything that is new and now!

Either way I will stop my rants short because this new publishing thing with blogger is bugging me so I bid you all adieu!

Soba Bowl!

Once again sorry for the lack of posting. I just got Twin Earth back from editor #1 and there is many many many things that have to be repaired and added so there is a big draw on the small amount of computer time I have dealing with that. Hopefully I can get it ready for the summer of 2013, maybe even sooner. I have to be realistic about that date...Sorry for the lovers of my writings. Also the second book is in the concept stage and it is going to be another action packed one, I'm already excited to start on it but first the first one should take priority.

Anyways back to what I titled this blog about: Soba Bowl! We have new items that soon will be on the Facebook pages because we are going to take pictures of our stock as we take inventory of it. Should be interesting to see how things are going to work out in the end. Meanwhile those who are in Edmonton should check it out! Soba is being held at the Harry Ainley High School on March 10th! See you there!

Also on another note just because I probably will not be able to blog for a time we will have a total of 4 cons in three weekends in April. These include Harufest, JPAme, MemFest, and Calgary Comic Expo!

Anyways I'm off for now!

Taste of Animethon and the Norovirus

I know that I've been ignoring this site once again, but being out of school and working full time + has made it difficult to continue to update as frequently as I would like.

Taste of Animethon...

As I mentioned before I am part of a group of artists and vendors dubbed Random Array (plug: check us out on Facebook and like us: end plug). We go around and sell various items at conventions. We have been fortunate to be able to attend a Taste of Animethon again this year. It is amazing how quickly we have grown and continue to grow. I'm so proud of all my artists because they work so hard and get paid off at the end!
However I must admit that I want to shame some of the other companies that also attend these events. I know, I really shouldn't be saying much because I know that one must jack up prices from cost to make a profit. However there is something saying when we sell an item for half of the price of a simular item and have better quality. It angers me.
Otherwise we had a profitable day and it was so much fun!

Norovirus...
I have the evil! This one is bad! Hide for the hills! I have been ill for almost 2 weeks and lost about 15lbs. eepp! It's not as if I don't have the 15 lbs to lose but it isn't good to be losing so quickly. Oh well I'll try to get better and contact the health athorities to get better.

With that I am off to bed so hopefully I will update sooner than this, with hopefully new news on a job prospect. (I'm really hating mine right now) So have a good day everyone!

What was that I tripped on? Oh it was the internet!

Eeep! I didn't realize how long it really has been since I last blogged. I guess life has become far too busy to stop, take a coffee and write on my favorite site to express words of blahness.

I have been busy with Random Array and the events that it represents. If you do not know what Random Array is I strongly urge you to search it on Facebook and become a "like". My sister is far marred in it and is trying to keep it growing. Perhaps our advertising will help us in our ever growing expansion. Eventually we might have to take over more than our homes. LOL

Well I have done something dumb again. I have entered myself into NaNoWriMo. That also takes up all my time. If it isn't running around doing conventions or working an average of 11 out of 14 days THAT is taking up my time. This year I am handwriting it so that nightmare will attack me soon. The nightmare of actually physically counting each word that I have written and cursing the world for it all. I have my late NaNo sitting with a friend whom is editting it, but I went to a few publishers and each one of them said the same thing; "We do not print books with only 50,000 words. We need 50% more before we will look at you." Boo.

Anyways I wanted to make sure I made some appearance here because I've been NA for so long. Hopefully I will soon find more time to write something here but all signs point to no. Boo once more.

Life Update

Okay I've been offline for a while but that doesn't mean that I haven't been busy. In fact I've been more busy than I have been in almost ever!

Work wise: Got a new job being a survey assistant. I've had it now for more than 2 months and even though I have more stamina than I have had in a long while, but pants are not fitting any better nor has my weight dropped since starting the job. Grr. I'm still working at the stationery store twice a month. With Animethon coming up I've been filling in my spare time with working on stuff for that...

Life Wise: My sister finished grade 12 so we had her grad. My Nana and uncle came out and stayed for three weeks. Between work and trying to visit there hasn't been much me time so that taxed my mental state. Also during this time my medication failed and I missed a day of work due to a 7-8/10 headache. Not fun.

Projects Wise: I now have three pages of Majic Lessons with Iggy and Scotty done. Way cute. I have also pieced together a more condenced page to link the art that I have already done for Sinclair of Twin Earth and the next few I want to do. Stupid story always want to go in a different direction than I want it to go. Always a problem with new projects. Meanwhile I have the first three chapters of the next book of Twin Earth sketched out. I know it's cheating for NaNoWriMo to be doing this but if I don't do it now and think it out it will not be able to get anywhere and I will fail at 10,000 words as the story and characters go down the wrong path to a different ending than I want it to go. (i.e. like what happened with Sinclair of Twin Earth on my other blog)

Anyways that is all. Hope all in internet world is doing well and I will be able to contact you all through my various different outlets.

Yay!

For all those who know I have been writing for a long time, but this is the first time that I have come this close.

I have finally completed the first book of Twin Earth!

Now just working with a cover page (if someone wants to design it it would be fantastic!) and working out any technical issues but I think I'm going to send away for my editorial copy that came free from winning the NaNoWriMo with it.

Taste of Animethon

**Edit: Prologue to Twin Earth Posted on my other blog

Well last weekend has been the end of the most busiest months I've had since November. I've been working on hats, collars and keychains as well as picking up stock, dealing with the organizers and having a blast. Unfortunately something had to go. Between school and TOA I have had almost no sleep and my sanity was beginning to crack. Also my mom was getting mad at me perpetually leaving her house a mess. She was happy to see most of it cleaned up.

However...

I've been looking towards the future and looking towards any new con that will occur between now and next Animethon. I already found one and is into working with the organizers with both Soba Bowl and Otafest. Kim is real excited. I am excited for the money that I can make. Also Hedmontalia will be there and since I'm thinking of going as Scotland it should be fun.

School on the other hand has been FAIL. I hate this course I hate my fellow students I want out of this stupid school and I do not want to be working in this field. People in this field is ignorant assholes that expect the moon and when they don't get it they act like three year olds in order to get what they want. Do I want to be in the same field as whining bitches? NO!
Also it's been causing more and more headaches than its worth and when I went home and began to say that I'm starting to fall behind to my father he goes "Well you have the programs on your computer you can work on it here." I had to bite my tongue in order not to explode on him. He has been lliving through this hell with me for four years and still can't understand that there is some days in which you do not bring up 'you should go work on a computer' with me.

I hate this life.

A quick note before flinging myself into the bleakness of the world...

Sorry I know the title is off but there is often times where the depression hits around my birthday. I know that it is comming and with my yearly cold at Christmas this is yet another yearly tradition. This year may be worse than normal because winter is being so retarded that there was no excitement about it this year. Also it is another slap to the face that once more I have yet to move out on my own, a small dream of mine since I graduated from High School at the age of 17. It seems as though there has been way too many excuses and too little mind to think about it. Even still there is just a reminder that yet another year has passed and the world has been passing me by once again. But there are times in which I cannot think too long about these things because I am far too busy.

First off I got a vendors table at A Taste of Animethon! So I am using every moment that I can to get off any merchandise that I can. So far i have two boxes full but a friend of mine is competing with me and she has two boxes of stuff herself. With the amount of stuff that we produce we will have to take thirty trips back and forth to bring everything into the room. With this I have become an ebay shopper. It is weird both Kim an dI haven't used e-bay up to last year and had no intention of using any further but I have to say it...When you can ship something from china for free and costs less that you can buy it locally, and I'm meaning a lot less not a few cents, what is wrong with our economy? Not sure. May have to rant about it at another time.

Also there is school. This term we are doing all of our classes based on one survey. We are learning to set up a subdivision from the concept, legislation, survey, reporting of survey and finally staking out of the finalized survey. It has been stupid hard lately because of the three feet of snow everywhere and where some of the property pins are located, the banks are sometimes more than seven feet deep. In other words we take a shovel and dig into the snow while the snow keeps falling and blowing and otherwise making us miserable in a fashion that there is simply not enough clothes to keep you warm and mobile at the same time. Thankfully I bought new shoes and dispite the grommetted holes in their sides I have warm and dry feet. A plus. Meanwhile I was a retard and didn't bring a hat so like an old lady I tied a scarf over my ears. I was thinking about cutting my hair again since it grew retardily fast over the last two months but now I'm not sure.

Meanwhile I am trying my best not to absolutely plow the stupid morons around me. Thankfully one of such said morons is no longer bugging me in school but I think it also comes down that I am now hiding behind the (quite large) guys of my class. Effectivly I have become part of a group of younger men that I'm pretty sure don't know my true age.

On a final note, I have been trying to excercise more but I'm pretty sure that it's not doing too much for anything. I figured once I have one paycheque to myself I am going to buy one of those European giggle machines that all you have to do is stand on it and it wiggles you around and, in theory, you lose fat weight. I'm unsure but a machine that makes you wiggle and move without you exherting yourself is interesting enough to have try. I might also try a challenge that the school is holding but the event is on the other side of campus.

Anyways back out into the snow and blow. Post later! ^^

Sorry...

Okay, I'm sorry about leaving everyone in the dark since the first of November 1.

November - A crazy month...NaNoWriMo had came and I won it again for yet another rewrite of Twin Earth. This year I am going to go with the opportunity to gain a editorial copy of the novel. Yay me!
Also to go with this month was the crunch time for the English reports, speeches and other assignments. And then there is the other classes demanding of my time as well.

December - Finals and Christmas...That's about it. Got one of my wisdom teeth pulled right after finals but it still hasn't healed as of yet...Might've given myself dry socket during the night after but with the meds I'm on I don't feel pain like I did before, but the healing time kinda dictates that I did.

January - New semester, new hassles, new weather. I don't like new semesters. Never had. The one good thing about this semester is that there is only two early days. Bad side: no early days. Period.
Also I am now becoming a vendor for A Taste of Animethon next month. Don't think that this is an easy task. I have been playing email tag since the beginning of the month and just today got kinda got confirmation that I might have a booth. Dumb Asses.
The weather has been retarded. So far this January we have had more than two feet of snow. We have only 16 more cm to go before we break the record in 1976....76?...79? Something like that. We have a backhoe and a fair mount of land but when the snow is just short of hip deep there is only so many places where you can push the snow. In town it's crazy! Snow is overtop of cars and it's sometimes a guesswork to get out of some parking lots. Thankfully my school is on a major route and the snow is cleared with a good speed.

Anyways I have to get back to paying attention to class...

The month of insanity begins...

Deadlines for assignments, report writing, powerpoint presentations all due within the next four months, and I stupidly decide that yes, I need more on my plate.
NaNoWriMo is back on us once more and I signed up once again rewriting my monster Twin Earth. This will be like the fourteenth time I've rewritten it, but I'm going to cheat a bit and keep the beginning I had last year and continuing from where I hate it onwards. Give me a break, I have already tons to write this month without killing myself thinking of new ideas.
Oh wells, back to writing.